Spilling the Juice

Last night was a really fun night. I thought hun was bringing me to meet Angela’s new dance instructors. Get to know them better and hopefully learn more dancing anytime soon. Turns out it was a dancing party…ballroom dancing that it…Honestly I’ve always had two left feet and a very short attention span when it comes to memorising dance steps and the only rythym I knew was to girate to the sounds of hip hop/ pop/ groove/ house music and not the gorgeously structured steps of ballroom and latin.

Hun has already taught me the swing and the reggae a long time ago so whenever the swing and reggae songs were up, I’ve always had no problems being the confident partner in crime. But when it came to the cha cha or the fox trot…I would stare uncomfortably at the floor and would sit the dances out and let hun partner someone else.

But last night, he taught me the basic steps to the cha cha, the waltz, a loose version of the chinese rhumba and last but not least surprise surprise…the salsa…Of all the dances last night I enjoyed the salsa the most. It was fast, it was fun, it was fandangalestastic. I felt like I was at a scene in one of those popular dance movies…swinging, twirling, feeling the sexy hot bodies all around….

I also tried line dancing and I must say those old chinese ladies and guys (far out) really know how to keep their hearts pumping. The next dancing party I’m gonna take and upload pictures of those ass kicking mamas, grannies and grandaddies doing their thang. We ended early last night as I was down with asthma( as a result of the cold, from sneezing alot prolly because of the haze), so hun gave me a nice massage on my back before he sent me home.For now, I’m gonna get myself out of this asthma bummer before putting on my red shoes again.

Have you ever watched Magnolia before? A star studded movie that includes Tom Cruise in its list? It’s a story about how everyone was linked to each other either by blood or through some chance that they had to meet. A good friend of mine got me to watch this movie and it totally blew my mind away.

It’s one of those movies that you felt that you could relate to, all the different emotions, different views and perspective which brings me yet to another movie, CRASH…there is a reason why that movie won the best movie at the OSCARS this year. The plotline is similar to MAGNOLIA but in this movie, the emphasis is on racial prejudice, which brings me to my next question…

How many of you ever felt racially displaced? I have…and it wasn’t a nice feeling to grow up with. I guess that was partly because I was embarrassed about my race and that the struggle to link myself with one culture didn’t really work out . Its not an everyday struggle that I constantly think about, but its just one of those questions that people keep asking you…"what race are you?"

It’s not only until my university years that I had begun the slow process of being proud of my heritage. The diversity of the Uni culture, it feels like you’re just part of the group, diverse, different in terms of cultures and ideas but because of that you totally fit in. In fact i felt proud to be ‘the exotic".

In fact, I’ve become more prouder of this heritage that I carry and although it is lacking in terms of language and the culture etiquettes…I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have the best of both worlds if not the worst..hehehe…but then I always like to think on the bright side of things.

The beauty of Magnolia is the ability of the viewers to see the different ways how the characters are linked whether they know the person(s) or not is another story…like this website, friendster… we’re linked and people we don’t know or know are linked to us in some ways….our different views…our differences..ahh the great law of six degrees of separation… selling "our exoticness" to the world.

lalalalalalla…I am sick…I am sick…I am sick…This is what typically happens when I get sick…

First it starts of with a sneeze or two…the next thing you know it…I develop a blocked nose…but that’s still fine with me…

The disgusting part is when I start getting those …yucky green phelgm that’s just constantly begging to come out of my system…ewww….

The worst is yet to come, If I am not better by then, here comes the Asthma attack, all dressed in blue….sucking out my ability to BREATHE properly…oh the clean air…how I DESPERATELY need them…

The scene is terrible…darker circles under my eyes than usual…wheezy noise from my air pipe…ew..ew..ew.. hate the feeling…

Right now I am at the yucky phelgm phase…eargh…scary…….

It has been nothing but drama today. It’s like one of those Filipino telenovelas that’s being aired on PRIMA. Despite it all I feel stronger than ever. Yes, part of me is sad but for now I cannot afford to have sadness in my vocabulary. I have to be strong, after all I decided to go on with this decision.

On a lighter note, I have been realising how children can be so sweet. I mean I had a cross and tired face when I came to school just no. Some of the children looked at me quizzicaly and even though they didn’t say anything to me, I could see that they were wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

While others would come up to me and hyperly say hello…infact some would sing song their hellos to me…Gosh….right then and there my heart melt. how cute…actually the kids are not the only ones that are cute…It’s my dogs too especially Bambi and Labrador. I was really sad the other day when I came out to play with them…I couldn’t help but burst into tears by the time I went to check on them.

So they there were, jumpy at first, then when they saw me cry, they stopped jumping and sat with their heads tilted and their ears pointed in one direction. As I came closer to them, they stood and started licking my face…I was overwhelmed and just started laughing…It felt good…The simple things in life really are the best feelings in the world!

The truth is I have been too absorbed with myself to see all these little beauties and realize that there is more to life than my life…Each new day is a new day for learning and teaching…Each new day is a chance and shot at success..I am taking it one day at a time now.

Max I would like to thank you for those inspirational words. " I choose" "I shall" "I will" are really powerful words. The psychology of the mind is one of the most amazing things that we humans can help to either serve a greater purpose and also a darker side, to manipulate and to destroy.

But yes, thank you for giving me a lift. I feel lighter and I am empowered.

Today doesn’t get any easier, but is a stepping stone from my dream. D’you know what my dream is? It is to own a production house one day, to be a filmmaker.

Why this dream? Its always ingrained in me that I am drawn to the arts. Somehow I couldn’t put a finger to what sort of art I want to delve into until I went into filmmaking. This passion to write and to tell stories about experiences, people and feelings…Its amazing. It is the way you want to tell the story…the way you want to share…the way I want to ultimately inspire people.

I choose to build this dream slowly, I choose to gain my experiences from different perspectives and situations I am facing…I choose to one day inspire my people and hope that we all can dream and make it a reality.

It’s not easy being where I am now. I have to admit it took me quite awhile till I got sick of the idea of wanting or needing to stay the way things were.

Sometimes I wonder, what this life is worth living for? Sounding corny? Again think about it…Sometimes I find myself staring blindly at people, things and the scenery pondering on these questions…l used to get so upset if I slept in the afternoon…My mind would just tell me I have wasted almost a day when I could have been doing something productive…like accompanying mom or talking to my brothers…

The day is not enough, maybe perhaps the reason why I get up early in the mornings is because subconsciously my mind is telling me that I have a full day ahead to do alot of things…but somehow I waste them through procrastinations or some distractions that keeps me from doing what is really needed to be done for the day.

I have to admit I have alot of flaws and the saying "Prevention is better than cure" does not apply to me. I am hardheaded and I guess mistakes are the only way that I will ever learn in order for me to grow.

Right now all I want to do is to focus on my career (which by the way is still fuzzy), my family and a future with my loved one. I am slowly standing, the pain is still in my veins, but I know I have never felt more alive than before…I know what I want and need…I know what I want to live…Its a matter of achieving it, and that is the task…that is the challenge!

These past few days have been good. Well more like I choose to see it as good anyways.

Nothing can stay the same again. We are changed by the events, people and situations around us. You think life was simple back then…actually its not…In that space and time, it was as challenging as the current situation.

The one thing that I learn from all of these is to stay upbeat no matter how the situation turns…the phrase…it can’t get any worse than this…somehow is uplifting.."so watcha gonna do about it?"..Why of course you move, when its down, the only thing left to do is to push up…

I am quite happy with the way things are now…I feel good about not having to put down my value for others. Honestly I don’t really care what people say about me anymore. Remember this very clearly…shallow people gossip, moderate people talk about memories, great people plan and execute events to generate memories and gossips…

Sounds good ain’t it…so think about it!

The word LOVE has a funny impact on a lot of people. That four letter word has been used and abused many times that sometimes I don’t blame those who "pah" at hearing those words…

I guess nothing will ever be perfect. At some point in our lives, one thing will always be up for us while some would be ok and some would be in the dumps, but what keeps us going is the uncanny ability to pull it, suck it and just push to the top…

It’s hard especially when loved ones find it hard to understand or comprehend why you do the things that you do and sometimes they will bend you to their will, which in my case always happens…Again which i hope I can work on that…and not give in too easily to what they want but to what I really want.

Sometimes I guess its a clash of culture, I mean the culture that you are assimilated into and the culture that your loved ones are assimilated into…too different..on one hand you grew up believing that love has to be gained from pure earned hardwork of dedication and trust whereas on the other hand the other believes that love is through their way…seeing things their way that is.

Sounds very mumble jumbled to you? Hmm…think about it…Yes I am deeply in love, I have always been…I give it my very best in all relationship. I am happy despite the obstacles…I see it as a challenge to better myself and my partner too.

Go out almost every night, immerse myself along with the friends in the heavily pretentious crowd that surrounds us. Dress to kill just to be seen at a coffee cafe? mmm…something is wrong here…whispers of gossips floating about in the coffee drenched air…people eyeing your every move, wanting to see what would be your very next move…it would be so much fun if you fell, gives them a sense of satisfaction that your coolness is broken…how dodgy you look by your dressing or your accent.

Shyte, this is so sad…its just so f*cked up. On the brighter side though, it gives you a sense of superficial community atmosphere just enjoying the fruits of your hard work. Paa…It doesn’t matter as long as you don’t give a damn what they think… It’s just their perspective…not yours…then its not like i’ve not done it before, guilty as charged here!

But its kinda tiring to see and do the same things, feels so uninspiring, feels dysfunctional…would love to start an adventure group, now that would be a good idea. To meet at your fav. coffee cafe to discuss what is gonna happen next or when would be the next adventure…hmmm I feel like going somewhere in June…I am thinking of going to KL but then again, I’m trying to get over shopping and just concentrate on adventuring with nature for a while…any ideas? Kalimantan sounds interesting…what about exploring Sarawak??? hmmmmm

Urgh,

What a shitty week, it has been so far…Everything is in the dark, feel like screaming, jumping, running amok…hmm I take that part back but my mind feels like going on an emotional killing spree. I mean not caring what anyone is saying, not caring what anyone feels but myself. The only things that I have been feeling these past few days is the depression, pressure, stress and paranoia.

I’m actually freaked out about what happened last night, It was one of the worst paranoia episodes that i was facing. I couldn’t sleep the whole night ( but maybe it was cause my coffee was kinda strong), rolling over my sides thinking how bad was that paranoia episode. I couldn’t help thinking that the one I love was almost at his  ends…I can’t help it…For the first time in 5 years, I’ve never felt this F**ked up. I am angry and upset that it always has to be about the people that I love most.

Why can’t it be any easier to live in this country, why must I conform to things that are just obsolete, why can’t they deal with the fact that I am no longer what I was before.

So many burning questions, I feel like its just eating my happiness away. Sometimes I do wonder, what is worthy anymore? I know I can’t face this alone, this is really freaking me out. Sure I may sound angry and erratic now…but but…oh hell…

It is lent after all, perhaps its the Lord’s way of testing me…I’m trying to see it as a blessing in disguise.

Ne’ways I am at a cybercafe now, waiting for mom to come over to talk to her friend, wishing that I could just do whatever I wanted. The world is definitely not my oyster at the moment. I am just in an invisible cage…helpless stupid bird!