Spilling the Juice

Go out almost every night, immerse myself along with the friends in the heavily pretentious crowd that surrounds us. Dress to kill just to be seen at a coffee cafe? mmm…something is wrong here…whispers of gossips floating about in the coffee drenched air…people eyeing your every move, wanting to see what would be your very next move…it would be so much fun if you fell, gives them a sense of satisfaction that your coolness is broken…how dodgy you look by your dressing or your accent.

Shyte, this is so sad…its just so f*cked up. On the brighter side though, it gives you a sense of superficial community atmosphere just enjoying the fruits of your hard work. Paa…It doesn’t matter as long as you don’t give a damn what they think… It’s just their perspective…not yours…then its not like i’ve not done it before, guilty as charged here!

But its kinda tiring to see and do the same things, feels so uninspiring, feels dysfunctional…would love to start an adventure group, now that would be a good idea. To meet at your fav. coffee cafe to discuss what is gonna happen next or when would be the next adventure…hmmm I feel like going somewhere in June…I am thinking of going to KL but then again, I’m trying to get over shopping and just concentrate on adventuring with nature for a while…any ideas? Kalimantan sounds interesting…what about exploring Sarawak??? hmmmmm

Urgh,

What a shitty week, it has been so far…Everything is in the dark, feel like screaming, jumping, running amok…hmm I take that part back but my mind feels like going on an emotional killing spree. I mean not caring what anyone is saying, not caring what anyone feels but myself. The only things that I have been feeling these past few days is the depression, pressure, stress and paranoia.

I’m actually freaked out about what happened last night, It was one of the worst paranoia episodes that i was facing. I couldn’t sleep the whole night ( but maybe it was cause my coffee was kinda strong), rolling over my sides thinking how bad was that paranoia episode. I couldn’t help thinking that the one I love was almost at his  ends…I can’t help it…For the first time in 5 years, I’ve never felt this F**ked up. I am angry and upset that it always has to be about the people that I love most.

Why can’t it be any easier to live in this country, why must I conform to things that are just obsolete, why can’t they deal with the fact that I am no longer what I was before.

So many burning questions, I feel like its just eating my happiness away. Sometimes I do wonder, what is worthy anymore? I know I can’t face this alone, this is really freaking me out. Sure I may sound angry and erratic now…but but…oh hell…

It is lent after all, perhaps its the Lord’s way of testing me…I’m trying to see it as a blessing in disguise.

Ne’ways I am at a cybercafe now, waiting for mom to come over to talk to her friend, wishing that I could just do whatever I wanted. The world is definitely not my oyster at the moment. I am just in an invisible cage…helpless stupid bird!